my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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