I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
