3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I hate all girls vehemently.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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