i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
