We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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