I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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