did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Is it because I queefed?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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