It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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