What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize