I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
