I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
