i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
