She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
