the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
