She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
