why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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