I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
