I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wish you could order shots online.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
