so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
