Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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