I just cut my nipple shaving
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
