I heard we made out
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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