I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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