I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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