Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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