You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
