Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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