I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
