Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
