ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
