i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
a search helicopter?!
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
