You smell like a Billy Joel song
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
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