And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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