It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
