I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
