I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
