Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
