My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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