I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
