It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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