shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I woke up under a house in Key West
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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