i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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