her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
They are going to name an STD after you.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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