I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
