I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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