The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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