Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
