i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My feet surprised me
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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