Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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