I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
