just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
