I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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