I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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