So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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