There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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