i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
