the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
