I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Randomize