Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
