My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
