Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
worst night to have a conscience
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize