the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
